I did it!

well, i did it. i accessed e's port today. the nurse was here and asked if i still wanted to do it...i sort of hesitated and she said "yep, you can do it." so i got everything ready, and i didn't even screw up putting on my sterile gloves and keeping them sterile. and then i accessed him. it was such an amazing thing. i was scared and nervous that i was going to mess up something, or hurt him...but it went so well! he laid there and we sang songs as i infused him...and he didn't make a peep when he saw me with the needle. this is such a huge deal for us...it means that we can travel without worry now. it means that if something bad happens and he needs to be infused right away, i can do it myself. and, of course, it is just another step on this crazy hemophilia journey that i seem to have conquered.

when e was first diagnosed, i was so scared...and so, so sad. i honestly mourned my idealistic views of his life for a long time. hell, i still mourn from time to time. but its hurdles like this that make me realise we are creating a life for him that is full of capability and hope and independence. as a mom, i work so hard to acchieve that last one...independence. and i have done a hell of a job with noah, and have been scared that i would coddle evan too much to allow him to be like his big brother. but after i find that i can handle the tough parts of this disease, i realise that i can teach him to handle them too.

and, for your viewing pleasure, here are some more recent photos of him. he's growing too fast =(

giving daddy "mwah's"


lounging with daddy on the couch


snuggling with "wowah" and "so cozy" (his blanket)


acting silly wearing noah's army dress up goggles